I Needed a Break

You’re already in heaven, and so are you. “Don’t worry mom, we’ll put you in a robot,” is a sentence recently spoken. Either inspired by the hit show “Black Mirror” or simply logic. The good thing about this (silver lining) is that I will finally have someone to summon from the dead on Halloween. Summer first. Fall, later.

So here’s the confusing tea. Philosophic nothing, really. am i alive? was I ever even born???? Or the usual question- am I dead?

Movies that probably traumatized me as a kid… as well as young distractions that keep me from things. What am I so afraid of losing? And the eternal question, the new question.

A made up sentence that’s holding onto a grudge. The best advice is to just LET GO. “Why are you always standing around in a corner. Well… that’s what I do.” the real miracle is that I’m talking to you, right? That I’m even sane? Okay, everyone gets old, and everyone randomly says profound things that you can’t understand at the moment. Maybe I can’t understand myself, but I can and do and WILL understand you. The mirror is black, and EVERYONE wonders where all of this came from. Motion sickness at its most frequent.

You can be a mom to anything. People, pets, animals… earth. Yet it seems like people only listen to you after you’ve listened to them. I was wondering what you were doing, occassionally, but wouldn’t admit it, because I’m not a cancer. I’m a libra. Tyring sooo hard to please when you’re not pleased and snapping out of envy. There are just too many people in the world, and too little time. And too few things.

Movies that traumatized me as a kid:
The Never Ending Story (relatable)
The Dark Crystal (yikes!)
hmm… what else? I started that anecdote with a different movie in mind, but now I can’t remember what it was.

I can’t remember, but they were usually geared towards children. It’s like “they” wanted us to get screwed up. Or… maybe they weren’t even paying attention. Like, AT ALL.

So, everything is one thing, but also and infinite number of things.

The beginning AND the end.

All I want to do is not have unfinished business. You had so much time, and now you feel like you’ve squandered it? I don’t know, but people are truly good, and suffering and cruelty are unnatural, barbaric, and destructive.

Well, that escalated quickly. GOODNIGHT


Growing Pains

There are a lot of things on my mind this morning, so I decided I might as well write some of it down.  Well, type it up.  I grabbed my Chromebook up and here I am typing.  The future has caught up to us in 2016.  Have you noticed?

Anyway.  Of course when I go to write things down, everything disapears from my brain.  The same goes when I turn on my camera.  I have to script everything in my mind first and then spill it out.  The good thoughts (and I mean really good thoughts) that I have while I’m laying in bed are usually lost to the ether, but they probably aren’t really lost, if there is an ether… it’s just someone else gets to take credit for them.  I’ve noticed, by reading other people’s blog posts, that one of the most important things in writing is CLARITY.  However, I’m going to give myself a break and allow myself to not write with clarity, because really what is most important for self-growth is that I know what I mean.

Most of what I have to say is better suited for the video medium, but alas… I went to bed early last night to avoid getting sick and I’m honestly not used to functioning as a human being this early in the morning.  Let alone a human who washes her face and hands, puts on a touch of makeup, fixes her hair and opens her tripod and pushes record.  That’s the important part- filming.  However, I can’t do it unless I’m presentable.  Another one of the downfalls, limits, of being a girl.

I’ll remember what I have to say.  The fact that my laundry is still wet will jog my memory.  As far as what I can write: I learned the biggest mistake I made on YouTube- trying to be like everyone else.  Trying to emulate other youtubers, when what keeps me coming back to other people is their originality.  I am original.  I shouldn’t have tried to be like everyone else, just because they were successful and I’m not.  So what, I’m not successful.  That is a fact (please don’t run away).  However, I’ve learned that MAYBE, just maybe, the secret to success on YouTube, maybe even in life, is just being myself (as trite as that sounds).  Being genuine.  I was always, always, trying to copy other people on YouTube.  I’m done with that.  I’m not going to do what other people do.  This is MY channel, and I can do whatever I want.

Oh- one more thing.  I deleted all of my blog posts here because of some people’s negative opinions of me and their eloqently viscious way of conveying it made me think that they were right.  But another thing I’ve learned- everyone will have their own opinion of you and everyone will think their opinion is right.  I respect other people’s opinions and I think it’s important to do so, but I also think it’s most important to see yourself how YOU see you and not through the eyes of other people.  There is a YOU that other people know, but the most important opinion and knowledge is the opinion and knowledge you have of yourself.  I know I’m not perfect and some people expect me to be.  One day I’ll have it all together and can write with clarity and that will be the day when I’m truly the adult version of myself.

2017 WILL be a year of changes for me because I’ve learned and grown so much in this 2016, a year of growing pains for me and seemingly the world.  Another important thing: REMEMBERING the things you’ve learned for longer than 30 minutes at a time.  Just keep swimming.

Happy New Year!  I’m going to try and send out some holiday greeting cards 🙂

and write more, and make more videos, and become a fucking grown up.

Merchandise for sale!

Hi, everyone!  I will be posting the products for sale here, and if you would like something, you can simply email me with your contact information and how you would like to pay for the product and shipping.  I recommend PayPal, but you can also send a check to my P.O. Box if that works best for you.  

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Product 001:  FULL Merch Package



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